It’s official! In one week from today, the Hayfield’s will be waking up in Sleepy Old London Towne. I reckon one of two of youse have heard of it… if I were you, I’d pay attention to this place. If it plays its cards right, it can become a world class city.

After an Arsenal game a few years back, where apparently Everton didn’t read the script…you know, roll over & show our bellies… the manager of the Arse was complaining about the nature of our boys throwing themselves about. In his post–match comments, our Gaffer, David Moyes was questioned about these “heavy-handed tactics” and Our Man David responded: “It’s this thing that we call tackling up north.”

While waiting to be recognized as a proper international city, and center of diplomacy and finance, London IS a proper footballing city, with 13 fully professional clubs (by fully professional, I mean playing in the Top 4 leagues in the Football League Pyramid), and a further 28 clubs playing semi-professionally (Oi! I hear you 4 National League clubs shouting at me about being semi-pros… I’m keeping things simple for my American friends here). Without further ado, I present to you the football scene that is London.

Premier League London

Arsenal FC (North London)

Original London here (sorry you Spuds, oops, Spurs fans out there). Nicknamed the Gunners, but I think they prefer to be referred to as the Arse. Whilst not an original founding member of the Football League, they were the first Southerners to join the league. From there, they’ve found some success: 13 League titles including the only undefeated EPL season; a record 14 FA cups; and 2 League Cups, all of which means these are the 3rd most successful team in England (Behind United & Liverpool…and right above EVERTON). Our Mikel Arteta, the Spanish Midfield Maestro currently manages these, so it’s hard to look down too much at this time. They play some decent footy, but it’s inside a library.

Brentford FC (West London)

The Bees were founded in 1889 and have only recently been in introduced to the world of Premier League football. Absolutely nothing to take the piss out of with these Bees. They play fast, incisive football with honest, hardworking pros, often plucked from lower leagues, or smaller leagues abroad and have the ability to go hammer & tongs with the so-called Big Boys. Managed by German Thomas Frank, and currently hosting Shit-house Player of the Year Neal Maupay on loan from Everton, this is a good old club.

Chelsea FC (West London)

Founded in 1905 purposefully to be a club with no history. They play at Stamford Bridge, which used to be a dog track. Got world famous when American fans tuning in to the footy for the first time in the early 2000’s thought Chelsea had been there forever, after they got purchased by a Russian oligarch named Roman Abramovich, who promptly starting throwing around his honestly earned, super-clean money to buy their way into relevance. Before this money, they won 1 League title, in 1955. Since becoming Chelski, they’ve won 5 more titles (still 3 behind Everton). They’ve won 8 FA Cups (1 behind Everton), 5 League Cups, 2 Champions League titles, 2 Europa League titles, and 2 EUFA Cup Winners Cups. Only thing good about this club is that their fans can certainly tell you what the 2nd tier of English football is like… and, of course, Ron Chopper Harris (if you’re a Chelsea supporter and don’t know Chopper ‘Arris…maybe you need to sort yourself out). Imagine this lot as a Babysitters Club!

Crystal Palace (South London)

With roots all the way back to 1861, the Palace started playing professionally in 1905 and they got their name when the World’s Fair Crystal Palace exhibit moved from Hyde Park to South London, and the area was soon renamed as Crystal Palace. Palace is a sound club, with good fans who don’t talk too much Wham and really get behind their Eagles. Not sure about the Ultra-esque nature of their Home End, but they make a proper noise (only EPL team with cheerleaders too…). One of my FAVORITE team anthems here as well…they take the field to “Glad All Over” by the Dave Clark Five and they absolutely OWN IT (https://youtu.be/vOZ0TYwv0Eg?si=dIDw9EwN-YDCyoYO). They play their football at Selhurst Park, where they briefly ground-shared with Wimbledon FC (more on those later…Goody Gumdrops!). Recently managed by one of the true gentlemen of the English game…Roy Hodgson.

Fulham FC (West London)

Fulham is the oldest professional club in London, founded in 1879. Their ground, Craven Cottage, is an icon as it sits right on the the banks of the Thames (pronounce TEMMS) and of course…has a cottage in one corner that houses both dressing rooms. Fulham are the biggest club in West London, while their neighbors Chelsea desperately try to match FFC’s prestige and class. FFC have paid the wages of several US players: Clint Dempsey; Carlos “Why Are My Shorts So Long” Bocanegra; and Antonee Robinson. They also have an impressive list of aumni: SIR Bobby Robson; SIR Bobby Moore; Alan Mullery and… Georgie Best.

Tottenham Hotspur (North London)

Before we go any further my American chums…we need to get this straight: it’s just plain old Spurs. NOT the Hotspurs (as the venerable Mrs. Hayfield likes to say, just to gee me up). Founded in 1888, Spurs are the other giant club in North London, along with arch-rivals Arsenal. Traditionally known for their brave, gallivanting football played the Spurs Way, they’ve won the League twice (1951 & 1961), the FA Cup 8 times & the League Cup 4 times. Spurs is a club that I always had a soft spot for… whether it was those Hummel kits in the 1980’s… or, the quiet Hard Man Dave Mackay… or Ricky Villa and Ossie Ardiles… or my HERO, that tragic entertainer, Gazza (oh Gaz, what you could have done) … or the Great Glen Hoddle with his passing more precise than a German mathematics department & shorts so short even Larry Flynt would blush… or Ginola as magnificent as a Prell commercial… or now that our Richie (Richarlison) plies his trade for those Spurs… Spurs is alright with me (mostly).

West Ham United (East London)

The Hammers are also alright with me… before the Universe revealed to me that I was indeed Blue from birth… I was a Hammer. It wasn’t easy sorting yourself out as a American in the 1990’s, so I bounced around a bit & it was ALWAYS those claret & blue uniforms that drew me in (they were our wedding colors). This is a hard club, in a hard part of London, with hard fans who demand their Hammers play the West Ham Way. Formed in 1895, they’ve won the FA Cup 3 times. West Ham gifted the world Sir Bobby Moore, England’s World Cup Winning Captain & Sir Geoff Hurst (hat trick hero on That Day at Wembley). My hero Paolo DiCanio and your Karate Kid antics… why oh why did you have to be a fascist? Last note on West Ham: the term “neck-tattoo” originated in East London.

Championship London

Millwall FC (East London)

Founded in 1885, Millwall officially put the “argy” in “argy bargy”. Neighboring club to West Ham, and their biggest rivals. Luckily, they rarely play in the same division, cause, well, their fans are notoriously hard and don’t care who cares. Their Honors List includes not being kicked out of the Football League and grooming Super Timmy Cahill until he could pull on the Royal Blue of Everton.

Queens Park Rangers (West London)

Founded in 1882, there are no Top Division titles for QPR, but there is a history of entertaining, attacking football coming out of Loftus Road for generations. Lovely royal blue and white hooped jerseys enhance the attacking spectacle on offer.

League 1 London

Charlton Athletic (Southeast London)

Founded in 1905, the Addicks (erm…the name comes from the local vernacular for ordering… Haddock) have spent most of their existence in the lower leagues, but they punched above their weight for more than a few years in the EPL during the early 2000s. I’m either running low on energy, or I have nothing witty to say about Charlton. Oh crap, many Charlton players were fantasy football gold for a few years and they play at the Valley.

Leyton Orient (East London)

Founded in 1881, Orient has always been one of those magic names in English Football. The O’s are the second oldest professional team in London and play their games at Brisbane Road. Beyond that, imagine the night out you’d have with these!

League 2 London

AFC Wimbledon (Southwest London)

Earlier, I mentioned that I had a bit of football journey before I discovered my Evertonian Birthright. One of my stops was… Wimbledon. Not the current iteration, but one most people in football would rather forget. I’m talking Wimbledon of the Crazy Gang iteration. I’m talking Wimbledon who became the only club to ever go from Non-League football to the 1st Division (now EPL) in 4 seasons (4 straight promotions) and they did it by bludgeoning their way through anything that got in their way: hoof the ball as far forward as you can, one Big Lad will win the first header, another Big Lad will bludgeon that further forward to find a winger to cross to another Big Lad to jackhammer the ball into the net. If the other team gets the ball…kick em! If you ever want to read the craziest shit you never thought you’d read about a professional sports team… there’s so much good stuff out there, but it’s not for the faint of heart.They played at Plough Lane in front of 9000 fans as they flipped all the Big Boys upside down, culminating in the Crazy Gang “sorting out” Liverpool in the 1988 Cup Final. Long story short, in 2002, some wise old head decided to rip the club 70 miles to the south in Milton Keynes and the fans weren’t having it: they formed their own club, owned by the fans and have worked their up the Football Pyramid again, as if like Lazarus, where they have rebuilt Plough Lane and they have their footy solidly back. If you know author and host of World History Crash Course, John Green… he’s hugely to thank, as he is a major investor (short sponsor). “Come on you Dons!” “Stand up, if you own your team!”